Doctor Who, The Internet, And Fan Fiction
by Margaret Price
Summary: Negative reviews can inspire bad feelings, retaliation and, eventually, flame wars. The latter inspired this short story. The 6th Doctor takes a humorous look at fan fiction.
1. BAD FIC

This story would not have been possible without the authors of bad fan fiction throughout the internet and the flame wars they inspire. I'm not sure if that's a good thing. In my original post, the quotes given within were from actual fan fictions. So as not to give offence, I have replaced them with ones of my own creation. wince Oh, the sacrifices I make for the sake of my craft.**

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DOCTOR WHO, THE INTERNET, AND FAN FICTION

**By Margaret Price**

**CHAPTER ONE**

**BAD!FIC**

Peri stood in the doorway of the room in which the Doctor had ensconced himself for more than a week. He was seated before a computer, a printer buzzing nosily beside him.

"So…still at it, I see," she said conversationally.

"Yes," he snapped impatiently. "Still at it."

"How much longer are you going to sit there and—?" Peri broke off as two very annoyed blue eyes beneath a riot of blond curls looked up at her.

The Doctor picked up a stack of papers and rose to his feet. "Have you _seen_ what your fellow humans are writing about me?" he asked accusingly.

Peri sighed heavily and found herself wishing they had never stopped at that…that… What was it called again? A Cyber Café? The Doctor had been driving her mad expounding grandiloquent about "the Internet" and the glories there of. How it was such a shame she had left Earth before it had gotten off the ground. One day, it finally became too much and she told him to put his money where his mouth was, so to speak, and take her to Earth so she could judge for herself.

To Peri's amazement, the Doctor agreed.

Everything had gone well…at first. The Doctor had introduced her to the wonders of a double latte _and_ the internet all in a single afternoon. Then she made the mistake of mentioning the fan fiction site she stumbled across while "on line." Something about a teaspoon.

The Doctor took one look, made several incomprehensible remarks, and stormed back to the TARDIS. He had been in front of a computer ever since.

"Just look at this!" the Time Lord exploded, selecting a paper at random. "Riddled with punctuation and grammatical errors. And the _spelling!_"

"We're not going to get into that 'u' or 'no u' thing again, are we?" the American moaned.

The Doctor gave her a fierce look. "At this point, Peri, I would be happy if it were _only_ a matter of a single vowel. This…this…_mess_ is an insult even to Noah Webster!"

Peri raised an eyebrow. Now that _was_ an insult. The Doctor never had anything good to say about Noah Webster's "corrected" dictionary.

The Doctor started throwing paper after paper onto the floor as he spoke. Peri noticed they were covered with corrections and, in some cases, opinions. The latter written in bold script, and in red.

"No discernable plot," the Doctor snorted, tossing the first paper aside. "Bad characterization." Another paper fluttered to the floor. "Muddled tenses. Plot holes. Abominable spelling. Mary Sue."

"Mary Sue?" Peri frowned. "A person is a bad thing."

The Doctor looked up. "Oh, my dear Peri, a Mary Sue is an archetype. The kiss of death to a story."

Peri could not help a smile from creeping onto her face. "Surely you are joking?"

"Joking? _Joking!_" The Doctor's voice rose in pitch along with his anger and the rest of the papers were thrown into the air. "These are supposed to be about me! Not some…"

"Archetype?"

"Precisely. It's just the author inserting themselves into the story and then taking over as the hero."

Peri sighed. "Come on, Doctor. It's only fan fiction."

The Doctor could not have looked more shocked if she had slapped him across the face. _"Only_ fan fiction! _Only!_" he exploded. "Peri, this is _me_ they're writing about! Me!"

"Oh, Doctor. That ego of yours," Peri chided.

The Doctor gave her a dark look. "This isn't about my ego," he snapped defensively.

"Yeah, right."

"This is about the English language! A thing of beauty," the Time Lord said, suddenly switching into what Peri had come to think of as "fine arts and poetry" mode. "The appreciation of the beauty of the language in the written word is…is…well, an art form. Literature! Something for the reader to savor, like fine wine."

"So…fan fiction is like wine?"

"Literature is like wine, my dear Peri. But this! This is vinegar!"

"Doctor…"

"All the basic rules of grammar, punctuation ignored because it's _only_ fan fiction!" The Doctor pulled the paper that had just finished printing from the tray, getting ink all over his fingers and smudging the bottom of the page. He scowled down at the paper, decided it wasn't worth losing his temper over, and looked up. "Here, a prime example," he said shaking the page. "Look at this one written about my previous incarnation."

Peri took the paper and scanned down the page, her eyebrows going up. Then a smirk started to creep onto her face. "Um, who's Adric?"

The Doctor snatched the paper away. "An irritating young man who got himself killed because he wouldn't listen to a word I said."

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it?"

The Doctor did not seem to hear her. He snatched another paper off the desk and thrust it at her. "And this…monstrosity is supposed to be an _adult_ story."

"Doctor, I can't read this with your, er, corrections all over it."

A puzzled expression passed over the Time Lord's face. "What? Oh." His temper cooled for a moment as he took the paper away. He scowled down atit a moment and then his eyes flashed in anger again. His companion gave a small sigh. He was only pausing between fits of pique.

"Listen to this," the Doctor said, pointing to a dark circle on the page. "_Silently thinking to himself out loud._"

Peri blinked. "Come again?"

The Doctor's finger moved down the page. "_The knock out gas caused them all to be knocked out_."

"Doctor, you're making this up."

"I am not!" the Doctor protested. "Someone has already done that for me."

Peri picked up another paper from the desk that was covered with corrections, circles and…er, opinions.

"Yes, just look that! Look at that description of—"

"_Delicious heaving breasts_," Peri read in a serious tone,_ "that moved like jello molds surmounted with erect, pink gumdrop nipples."_ She looked up, stared at the Doctor for a full second before bursting out laughing.

"My dear Miss Brown, this is no laughing matter!" the Doctor thundered, snatching the paper out of her hand.

Peri tried very hard to get control of herself. "So, what do you intend to do about it? You can't chase down every author on the internet?"

"No. But I intend to at least voice my opinion."

Peri dreaded what this might be. "How?"

The Doctor sat down at the computer and rubbed his hands together. "I'm going to leave a few reviews." He looked up, his eyes gleaming. "A few people are going to learn the true meaning of the word _flame_."

-- END --

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REVIEW FROM TECHNO-COAT.MAN: 

_I am impressed with your ability to use spell check, proper punctuation, and grammar. Peri could have been described a bit more in detail, however. The Doctor was written eloquently, although he does seem a bit too arrogant. And I think that gumdrop nipple thing was a bit excessive._

AUTHOR'S REPLY:

_Thank you. Your opinion means the universe to me. I also have an excellent beta reader, whom you may be acquainted with. Her input was invaluable. Cheers._

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Doctor Who, The Internet, And Fan Fiction© 2005 Margaret Price is an original work written for the enjoyment of Doctor Who fans everywhere. No copyright infringement is intended. 

Original series broadcast on the BBC. Format © BBC 1963

Doctor Who and Tardis are trademarks of the BBC

The story and all other original characters are © Margaret Price


	2. Flame Wars

Everyone seems to get so worked up over negative reviews. And I mean everyone, hence, another chapter about just that.

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CHAPTER TWO

**FLAME WARS**

Peri ran down the corridor full pelt. The sound coming from the room ahead did not sound good. _Was the Doctor having a seizure?_ The answer came a few seconds before she arrived as a wastepaper basket—empty, thankfully—came flying out the open doorway, bouncing off the far wall.

Peri skidded to a halt and very cautiously peeked into the room. The Doctor wasn't having a seizure. He was having a tantrum. The papers he had been printing off for more than a week were scattered everywhere. The Doctor himself was standing in the middle of the room and in the process of giving the mound next to him a savage kick, sending more papers flying.

"Idiotic! Unimaginative!" the Doctor grumbled. He following up in a language Peri had never heard before, but by his tone, she could tell it was nothing complimentary.

"Doctor…" Peri said tentatively. "Is…everything okay?" Naturally everything was _not_ okay, but she could think of nothing else to say at the time and went for the obvious.

The reply was just as Peri anticipated. "Okay? _Okay!_" the Doctor thundered. "No, everything is not _okay._" He dropped into the chair at the desk and crossed his arms. It was all his companion could do not to laugh. He looked like a little boy sulking.

Peri tried again, forcing a smile onto her face and making certain to keep her voice light. "I thought you were doing reviews. All done?" The look she got in reply made her wince. _Great. It's gone wrong._

"Why is it you humans can't take a little constructive criticism?"

Peri rolled her eyes. The Doctor's idea of constructive criticism was as subtle as boulders on butterflies. "Not everyone can take having their faults pointed out to them as well as you do, Doctor," she said mildly.

The Doctor looked up sharply. "What faults!" He received a you-must-be-joking sideways look and cleared his throat. "Ah, yes. Very wise, young Peri."

_It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how to stroke an ego the size of yours,_ Peri thought but wisely kept to herself. "So your input wasn't met with raves, I take it?"

The Doctor's fingers started to clatter on the computer keyboard. "No, they were not." He pointed at the document on the screen that Peri had only recently learned was called an e-mail. "Look here. This uneducated Philistine actually replied that they were from Virginia _not _Palestine." He looked up. "This moron is too stupid to even realize they're a moron."

Peri cleared her throat. "Well, you _do_ have a tendency to talk over people's heads."

"I _what?"_

"Not everyone has the complete contents of the Oxford dictionary in their heads, Doctor."

The Doctor blinked. "Well…" His anger cooled slightly at this backhanded complement. "Yes, alright. I will grudgingly agree on that point."

Peri breathed a sigh of relief. _Headway!_ she thought, only to groan inwardly when the Doctor pointed to the screen.

"Here! Look at this. I'm being accused of being a troll!"

"I'm guessing that's bad," came the patient reply.

The Doctor gave his companion a fierce look. "Yes, that's bad. And what's worse, this so-call moderator has the gall to accuse me of starting a flame war!" He gave a derisive snort, waving a hand at the screen. "All I did was start a lively discussion on the benefits of adhering to the proper rules of grammar."

"Yeah, like Mrs. O'Leary's cow only knocked over a bucket."

"Peri, this is hardly comparable to the Chicago fire," the Doctor shot back. "This…_dolt_ is threatening to have me banned. _Me!_"

Peri had to stifle a laugh.

"Oh, yes, laugh. I'm sure this is all very funny to you."

"Doctor," Peri said in as placating a voice as she could manage, "you're not the only one who's taking this seriously. You know how thin skinned humans can be."

The Doctor's clear blue eyes opened wide. "I am only trying to help," he began in earnestly.

"As you always do," Peri broke in. "But, admit it. Not everyone welcomes your help, now, do they?"

"No, they don't," the Time Lord conceded with a sigh. It was always a mystery to him that his help was refused so often. One day, he might figure out why. He turned back to the screen, his temper flaring again. "But just look—"

"No, you look," Peri replied forcefully. She reached over and turned off the monitor. "You've been in this room for days, staring at that computer and getting all worked up over the stories your fans write about _you._" She paused for the usual outburst and was amazed when it did not come. The Doctor actually looked…shocked. He was also listening, so she pressed on. "_Your_ fans, Doctor. Aren't you just the tiniest bit flattered that they care enough to try to write about you?"

"Well…perhaps just a little," the Doctor admitted, adding forcefully, "Although I'd be much happier if they did it properly."

Peri smiled, taking him by the hand. "Never mind that, Doctor, You've spent enough time in here. We've been in my future for a week, and all I know about it is the internet and a double lattes. I want to see more. And I want to see it now."

The Doctor laughed and got to his feet. "Miss Brown, you can be very pushy when you want to be."

"Is that a criticism, Doctor?"

"No, no," the Time Lord grinned. "Merely an observation."

"Oh, good," Peri replied breezily. "I'd hate to have to get into a flame war with you."

The Doctor gave her an amused smile. "I doubt that you'd win. I have fought in a lot of wars, y'know."

"Yes, I've been in a few of them with you, remember?"

"Then you remember that I always win," he said smugly as he vanished through the door.

An evil smile came to Peri's face. She could not resist calling after him. "Troll!"

"_Peri!"_


End file.
